Change

I don't want to write a blog this month. My day job has been crazy busy gearing up for school to start and now that it has, all my creative energy to write is gone. I don't want summer to be over. I'm going to miss the sunshine, 85+ days, and having an ice cold beer at the river. This will be my second fall and winter since I stopped taking anti-depressants.

I'll be fine.

I've come to realize I'm better off without them. When I was on them I was emotionless. I couldn't laugh. I wouldn't cry. I was less interested in doing things to make me a better me like exercising or playing music. I became stale and distant. It was as if I was watching a movie of myself where I was moving in slow motion and life was speeding up around me.

When bad things happened to me, I wouldn't care. When good things happened, I was complacent. Why should I care? I felt no joy or envy for the success of others around me, even the people I care about. Getting excited about anything was an obstacle, a wall of why care? burning up all my energy. Like the energy it took to pretend to smile, to show up, to care... So I slept. All the time. I could sleep for 16 hours, wake up exhausted, do something for a couple hours, then sleep for another 8.

Sleeping that much I missed my entire summer. So I stopped. No more emotion erasing white pills.

And now here we are, about 2 years later. Another Oregon fall approaches. Another fuckin' rainy gray ass winter. But I will feel joy, I will feel sadness. My anxiety will creep up at the worst times and every other emotion will come without having to climb the wall of why care? It might be difficult, but I have to live it. No more hiding behind tiny white pills. No more excuses. It's time to live.